Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Wonderful Realization

So, to give you some idea of what my life is like during this week of finals: here I am sitting in the library, reading through dozens of journal articles, thinking to myself I ought to stand up soon so I don't get a blood clot, although maybe a blood clot would be welcome, so I could have a legitimate excuse not to have everything done on time. And then I look at my watch and see that it says it's December 8, and I'm like, "Wait a minute, isn't Friday (when everything is due at 5pm) the 11th? That means tomorrow must be the 10th, and so today must be the 9th. Is my watch wrong? My watch must be wrong. How did my watch go wrong? No! Today is Tuesday, not Wednesday! Wait, is it really? Yeah! It's only Tuesday! OH MY GOSH THAT IS THE BEST NEWS ALL DAY!"

Friday, December 4, 2009

the voices in my head

I dreamed I was in my house getting ready to leave for class, and I started getting anxious with worriesome self doubts. In the kitchen there was this funny looking, ugly, sullen little man in a tweed suit curled uncomfortably in the corner, making mean, disparaging, whiny remarks to me as I walked by. In the other room there was a tall blond-haired man, wearing a light grey suit. I went up to him and told him all about how I was feeling anxious and he listened patiently and I put my arms around his waist like a little kid, since he was, apparently, really tall, and after a little bit I felt comforted and then left for class.

Reflecting on the dream afterward, I thought: the two men in the house are kind of like the little angel and devil that sit on people's shoulders in cartoons, whispering good or bad things in their ear.

In the same way that I've internalized some people's criticisms so that they become a harsh, nit-picking inner commentator, contrastingly, I have also internalized some other people's caring encouragement. Certain people come to mind, but of course, the first is Brandon. The nice, tall guy in the dream looked kind of like Brandon--but older, taller, and with lighter hair.

It's not uncommon for people to talk about having hyper-critical voices in their head--whether they identify it as one of their parents, or their spouse, or even their boss--and it does seem like it's always negative, always a judging voice. But apparently it's just as possible to have a kind, loving voice in one's head.