Friday, August 26, 2011


[Apologies for the unpolished style--I'm tired, but wanted to post this.]
Sometimes I have an intense feeling of failure, even after doing things no one else perceives as failures. I think probably I did well on each of the three-hour ordination exams I took today, in terms of whether I'll pass, that is.

But I was so disappointed in myself because ... I wanted all six essays to be beautifully written, egaging, powerful, edifying and a pleasure to read. And instead, much of what I wrote was just so humdrum and rote, bland and boring, boring, boring. I was proud of just a few lines, here and there--but even the best bits could have been better, if only I'd had more time. In particular, one of those essays was so terrible. I mean, I answered the prompt, but I wish I could apologize to the people who have to actually read what I wrote, it's so insipid and lifeless. Oh, damn my miserable inadequacies!

Anyway, this is a good illustration of how so often I fail in my own mind, even though ... well, probably no one else expects so much of me.

Ah ... maybe I'll do better on the next two exams. Maybe if I really punish myself thoroughly for doing so bad this time, and mentally berate myself constantly ... Hah ha ha. Just kidding. (-: I'm too wiped out for that, anyway.


whitethoughts said...

Oh Virgie, if you continue on this path, you will/could succeed like crazy in academia!

matthias said...

I'm with you! I don't feel too bad about the exams overall, but there are only a few lines (out of six hours of writing!) that seems like anything decent.

Kelli said...

I just had an interesting insight about this. My train of thought went something like this: "Virgiliana Lynne, snap out of it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do your best, or even with wanting to do better than other people, but having unreasonably high expectations of yourself is only inverted pride. You need to give yourself a break and let other people be proud of you, as we all are." Then, suddenly, I realized that accepting other people's pride in you can actually be a humbling experience. Weird, hunh?

Auspicious Vast Country said...

There is little I can say here that compares to the wisdom of those that precede my comment.

You do not have the authority to determine what diction or concepts will speak to other people.

You know this and more, so I will not speak out of place. I love you, dear sister. Please continue to work hard.